New addition to maternalselves

My life has been quite hectic in the last three months. I used to be an organised, efficient and energetic person and I’ve become slow, disorganised and low in energy. The reason: I’m pregnant with my second child.

When I told my close friends and family they looked at me in surprise when they realised I was not especially happy. Some people asked me: Was the pregnancy an accident?

Well, let me tell you that it wasn’t, but the fact that I have spent three months vomiting morning and night and with constant nauseas hasn’t help me to create the sort of exultancy that is expected from all mothers to be. I haven’t been able to work, not even to write this blog, and I’ve been quite sad and depressed as I’ve been feeling sick all the time.

I haven’t even been able to be happy with E. and my partner. I just want to be left in peace, in bed and with some food ready to eat. So how on earth can people expect me to be happy?

I am lucky enough to be able to talk with total honesty to Lucila, my mum and my partner about the fact that I’ve been feeling bad and wondering if going for a second one was a good idea at all. However, in front of most of the people I try to say that we’re very happy although I’m feeling quite sick.

The pregnancy planet is a strange place. Right after the fifth week I had a bit of bleeding, so I was referred for a scan. When I heard the heartbeat of our baby I cried. It was as if waves of feelings were passing through my body. Most of the time during this pregnancy it has been like that, like a roller coaster on which I cannot decide why I am so happy or so sad.

I’m still feeling all these contradictions. How am I going to manage a second child, now that I’m starting to get back to work again and have a lot of professional plans for the future? How is the new baby going to affect E.? Am I going to love this baby as much as I love E.? Do I love this baby enough?

I think all these contradictions that crucify me with E. are stronger with this pregnancy. I’ve been there before; I’ve been on a long maternity leave and I’ve struggled with a baby that refused to sleep at night for the first 10 months, plus all the work and effort that the first year requires. Although I want this baby and we were really looking forward to this second pregnancy, sometimes I wonder how I’m going to cope.

I’ve just realised that this post in not in the positive tone that an announcement of pregnancy should be, but this is how I feel today and I didn’t want to fake it. So yes, I’m pregnant, and sometimes I’m very happy, but I’m also very scared, very worried and very tired.


6 responses to “New addition to maternalselves

  1. Oh congratulations! I’m so very excited for you! Oh, but the sickness! I’ve seen so many women grow stronger and stronger with each child that enters their life in spite of all the very real challenges and fears. I wish this for you, too.

  2. This post is what you needed to write at the time and a totally appropriate pregnancy announcement. I think it’s important for other women to read this, and know that being pregnant (expected or unexpected) isn’t always a glowing amazing journey. I hope you are feeling better.

    • Thanks Jessica. Yes, feeling a bit better, but still very tired. I have this sort of pregancy in which my energy is very low, but getting back to writing again (slowly…)

  3. At last I feel free to thank you thank you thank you for this post. It meant so much to me at the time! How am I going to cope? Indeed.

    • We will cope… I don’t know how, but other friends keep on telling me that it’s possible and I trust them and believe them.
      Fantastic news Rachel! Very happy for you. Congratulations again!

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