My life has been quite hectic in the last three months. I used to be an organised, efficient and energetic person and I’ve become slow, disorganised and low in energy. The reason: I’m pregnant with my second child.
When I told my close friends and family they looked at me in surprise when they realised I was not especially happy. Some people asked me: Was the pregnancy an accident?
Well, let me tell you that it wasn’t, but the fact that I have spent three months vomiting morning and night and with constant nauseas hasn’t help me to create the sort of exultancy that is expected from all mothers to be. I haven’t been able to work, not even to write this blog, and I’ve been quite sad and depressed as I’ve been feeling sick all the time.
I haven’t even been able to be happy with E. and my partner. I just want to be left in peace, in bed and with some food ready to eat. So how on earth can people expect me to be happy?
I am lucky enough to be able to talk with total honesty to Lucila, my mum and my partner about the fact that I’ve been feeling bad and wondering if going for a second one was a good idea at all. However, in front of most of the people I try to say that we’re very happy although I’m feeling quite sick.
The pregnancy planet is a strange place. Right after the fifth week I had a bit of bleeding, so I was referred for a scan. When I heard the heartbeat of our baby I cried. It was as if waves of feelings were passing through my body. Most of the time during this pregnancy it has been like that, like a roller coaster on which I cannot decide why I am so happy or so sad.
I’m still feeling all these contradictions. How am I going to manage a second child, now that I’m starting to get back to work again and have a lot of professional plans for the future? How is the new baby going to affect E.? Am I going to love this baby as much as I love E.? Do I love this baby enough?
I think all these contradictions that crucify me with E. are stronger with this pregnancy. I’ve been there before; I’ve been on a long maternity leave and I’ve struggled with a baby that refused to sleep at night for the first 10 months, plus all the work and effort that the first year requires. Although I want this baby and we were really looking forward to this second pregnancy, sometimes I wonder how I’m going to cope.
I’ve just realised that this post in not in the positive tone that an announcement of pregnancy should be, but this is how I feel today and I didn’t want to fake it. So yes, I’m pregnant, and sometimes I’m very happy, but I’m also very scared, very worried and very tired.