One of the most annoying things in my pregnancies is that my body cries out for its normal rhythm to slow down. This is a dramatic change for me. I’m used to having a body that follows my mind, a body that is happy to be commanded by my thoughts and the urgency of performing all types of activities. However, during pregnancy the balance shifts.
It’s my body that is in command now, and my poor mind is left alone with all its fantasies, plans and things that need to be done. My body doesn’t even feel guilty about it. Sometimes when I’m tired but I need to do something, I’m able to tell my body: “OK. I understand that you’re tired now, but we really need to finish this task, so please, help me to finish this and we’ll rest later”.
When I’m pregnant my body doesn’t listen at all to all the chatting of my mind and turns a deaf ear to its request. My body just refuses to move, no matter the disaster in the kitchen, the emails that need to be sent or the reading and work waiting for me in the desk.
During pregnancy I’m dominated by the kingdom of the senses. If a smell is too strong, I need to leave the room or I vomit; if I’m too tired, my foot can go to sleep. I need to eat constantly, and food provokes either aversion or eagerness. I can easily fall into contemplation at the sight of a flower or a bird, and I weep for joy or sadness very easily.
This is an awful state for a woman who wants to present herself to the world as fully in control and totally responsible regarding her duties. The truth is, I’m not. I know that I’m never in total control, and that when I have this feeling of command and control in my life it’s pure fantasy. More to the point, I’m not a robot, either, that can accomplish all sort of tasks in perfect order. However, when I’m pregnant this comes as a revelation because it’s not my mind that tells me so, but my body.
Being in such a bodily state can be a grace or scary. In my case it’s a little bit scary, but I’m trying to learn the lesson…